The Onion and other satire w/ layers

Acknowledging that he was impressed by the foreign leader’s ability to compromise on all kinds of fixtures, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he had participated in a productive call with Russian President Vladimir Putin about ballroom sconces. “We spoke for several hours and made great progress in negotiating whether I should go with a gold or silver finish,” Trump said while examining various wall-mounted lighting options, adding that he was committed to reaching a diplomatic solution in finalizing the design of his planned $300 million White House ballroom. [...]

US President Donald Trump’s planned White House ballroom, requiring the complete demolition of the historic East Wing, is being criticized by Canadians who will now never get to torch building for a second time since the War of 1812.

In what they described as a disappointing turn in the ongoing negotiations, White House officials confirmed Wednesday that diplomatic talks had broken down between President Donald Trump and a motion-activated ghost decoration. “The president has done everything he can to find common ground with our historic ally, but the animatronic apparition refuses to cooperate,” said press secretary Karoline Leavitt, adding that Trump immediately raised concerns when the plastic specter showed up to the White House dressed “very disrespectfully” in filthy, tattered rags and cobwebs. [...]

Donald Trump has once again been cruelly snubbed by the Nobel Peace Prize committee, despite what he insists was an “incredible” year of personal achievements in the field of “peace, which is very strong right now, the strongest peace anyone’s ever seen.”

After missing out on the Nobel Prize for Peace, Donald Trump has urged his supporters to storm the Norwegian capital, claiming the world has never seen a leader more peaceful than him.

Donald Trump has announced he’s cancelled the ceasefire in Gaza following the Nobel Committee’s decision not to award him this year’s Peace Prize.

The US Treasury has unveiled a brand new commemorative $1 coin featuring best pals Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein to celebrate America’s 250th birthday.

Calling him “the best man for the job,” President Donald Trump reportedly asked JD Vance Thursday to research whether the president was allowed to kill the vice president. “I mean, Article II says he’s legally my property, right?” said Trump, who stated that the task was “absolutely critical” as he put both his hands on Vance’s shoulders and looked him squarely in the eye. [...]

President Donald Trump has moved to ban the Indiana Jones franchise from all American streaming services after being told the main protagonist is a well-known participant in anti-fascist violence.

Donald Trump’s 2013 Twitter account has launched a stinging attack on 2025 Donald Trump for allowing the government to shutdown.

Donald Trump has condemned France’s decision to jail former President Nicolas Sarkozy, describing it as “radical Marxism of the worst kind, almost as bad as letting poor people have healthcare.”

In a private meeting with Ukrainian President Volodymr Zelenskyy, US President Donald Trump stated he fully believes the embattled nation can take back all of its territory currently occupied by Russian forces, specifically if Ukraine can make supporting them “worth America’s while”.

Cracking their knuckles and demanding they receive a “papology [sic], or else,” Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly yelled, “You think you can talk about our dad that way?” Wednesday before beating their TV with a baseball bat. “Hey Eric, this TV thinks it can say a bunch of real bad stuff about Dad and get away with it—let’s show it who’s boss,” said Don Jr., the older of the Trump boys, who, after doing different karate chops and threatening to go “get [his] Nerf Mega blaster,” took out a Wiffle ball bat, raised it above his head, and proceeded to hit the LG 50-inch flat-screen TV as hard as he could. [...]

A pharmaceutical company formerly owned by Johnson & Johnson is reportedly sorely regretting missing their latest ‘protection money’ payments to the Trump administration, after US President Donald Trump today announced a supposed link between Tylenol (acetaminophen) use during pregnancy, and autism.

US President Donald Trump has been brought to tears today while delivering a eulogy for his long-time friend, the First Amendment, who recently passed away under mysterious circumstances.

As you’ve likely seen, there’s a letter going around that Democrats claim was written by President Trump as a 50th birthday gift for the late pedophile Jeffrey Epstein. Now, President Trump has dismissed the claim, but liberals insist that the letter—which includes a drawing of a female body and text that alludes to some type of secret—shows that Trump not only knew about Epstein’s pedophilia, but engaged in it himself. However, I see it a different way.

Flipping through all of the options for the sixth time in a row as the clock approached 1 a.m., a bored President Donald Trump reportedly spent Thursday night channel surfing for new shows to cancel. “It feels like I’ve already canceled everything on here, or it’s from so long ago that it’s no longer worth the trouble,” said the president, growing increasingly frustrated after getting through three minutes of The New Girl only to realize that the final episode aired in 2018. “Has The Munsters been canceled yet? There’s a lot of diversity on there, and they seem like losers. How about Zoloft? Oh, that was just a commercial. [...]

Claiming that he recognized the member of the royal family, but his memory was hazy, President Donald Trump has spent his entire trip to the U.K. trying to figure out where he knows Prince Andrew from, sources confirmed Thursday. “Who is that guy? His face seems so familiar,” said Trump, pausing in the middle of shaking hands with various royal dignitaries to get a closer look at the disgraced Duke of York, whose name, as well as the activities they engaged in together, had been eluding him for the past couple days. “Maybe I met him on some boys’ trip? I feel like I’ve seen his penis before. [...]

Former-Former US President Donald Trump has doubled down on his support for free speech by vowing to jail anyone who says he’s against it.

Stressing that it was unrealistic to think he would recollect one such letter out of the vast number he has written in his lifetime, President Donald Trump told reporters Tuesday that he shouldn’t be expected to remember every single birthday card he has sent to child molesters. “Every month I’m probably sending off a dozen or so of these cards thanking pedophiles for a good time at their birthday parties or for the flight on their private jet—it’s ridiculous to think I’m going to recall each tiny thing I write,” said Trump, insisting that given the hundreds of such dispatches he has penned over the years, the child molesters’ names and the details of their orgies often blur together in his mind. [...]

President Trump complained that the manual that details how to operate a fascist regime was “boring” due to the lack of images, according to frustrated staffers tasked with getting him to read.

President Trump showed off his physical prowess today in an attempt to dispel rumors about his failing health by climbing inside a coffin, where, “through sheer force of will,” he will remain for all eternity, sources confirmed.

President Trump announced that Mastercard and Visa had pressured his administration to remove objectionable content from all government archives, including all documents relating to the investigation and prosecution of Jeffrey Epstein, sources confirm.

President Trump took control of the police in Washington, D.C. and deployed the National Guard to crack down on rampant crime and destruction after accidentally watching a 30-second YouTube clip of the January 6th riots he provoked, sources confirmed.

In a chaotic and alarming scene that sent West Wing staffers springing into action, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that President Donald Trump had been rushed to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center to watch a woman’s breast exam.

US President and man with definitely nothing to hide Donald Trump is reportedly weighing up what country to bomb in the latest attempt to get everyone to move on from that whole ‘friendship with a paedophile’ thing. [...]

In a frantic bid to dispose of damaging evidence amid ongoing scrutiny of his relationship with the late child sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, a desperate President Donald Trump reportedly attempted to flush a 14-year-old masseuse down the toilet Tuesday.

Other metrics for the US economy were also impressive. GDP growth was recorded at a healthy 47%, while inflation dropped to zero. Only North Korea had better economic data for the month.

The Epstein thorn in the side of Trump doesn’t seem to be going away anytime soon after the WSJ recently discovered Trump’s friendship bracelet reading the word “Jeffrey”.

A man whose life (or at least his Mar-a Lago club) was ruined (or at least moderately inconvenienced) by human trafficking has spoken out, saying the fact that young women were stolen by a paedophile from his organisation was devastating. For him. [...]

In a confusing turn of events, Donald Trump was welcomed to Scotland by bagpipes this week, with locals unable to tell which overinflated, blustering bag of air was which. [...]

As President Trump’s Epstein ties continue to dominate headlines, Trump is wielding every measure at his disposal to divert public attention away from the scandal. Now, after making a series of controversial statements about getting Coke to use cane sugar and warning the Washington Commanders to change their name back to the “Redskins,” he’s attempting his most desperate distraction tactic yet: President Trump has threatened to commit suicide unless the Malcolm In The Middle reboot brings back the original Dewey instead of recasting him. [...]

President and former pen pal of Jeffery Epstein, Donald Trump has finally released his version of the controversial ‘Epstein client list’.

Taylor Swift, Ryan Gosling and a host of other celebrities have been told to take extra security precautions, after the deaths of Ozzie Osbourne and Pope Francis failed to diminish public interest in the Epstein files.

Malnourished children living in increasingly dire conditions in Gaza expressed disappointment Monday that President Donald Trump has yet to exploit their suffering as a distraction from the wave of Epstein-related allegations plaguing his administration, embedded journalists report.

Media mogul and aspiring Bond villain Rupert Murdoch is demanding to know which international media propaganda machine got this deranged egotistical fuck elected as US President in the first place.

During a speech Friday in which he sought to convince MAGA supporters that his administration did not withhold any important information from its partial release of “the Epstein files” in February, President Donald Trump reportedly invited Jeffrey Epstein on stage to explain that there was no conspiracy. “Hey, everybody, I’m Jeffrey—you probably know me from the pedophile stuff in the news,” the financier said to a group of right-wing influencers and members of the White House press pool, admitting that he and the president had a good laugh over the notion that there was something suspicious about the way he died. “To address any confusion or rumors that may have come up over the past five years, I just want everyone to know that I definitely did kill myself, and I am dead. [...]

In a stunning security breach that reportedly left many top-ranking administration officials vulnerable to attack, the White House was evacuated Tuesday after the building’s trans alarm went off.

The United States has again been called to action in the Middle East after Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu warned Donald Trump that Iran was mere days away from releasing the Epstein Files.

Following a wave of conservative backlash to the recent cinematic reboot of Superman, U.S. president Donald Trump has announced that all imports from Krypton will be subject to a 35% tariff.

Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu visited President Trump at the White House today and gifted him the remains of an infant killed by American bombs in Gaza, multiple sources confirmed.

Stressing that it would be simplest to troubleshoot now during the onboarding process for his company’s surveillance technology, Palantir founder Peter Thiel reportedly spent Tuesday morning showing President Donald Trump how to sort a spreadsheet of Americans by ethnicity. “So what’s neat is that you can just do command-shift-E and rank every single resident from whitest to least,” said the billionaire libertarian, leaning over the commander-in-chief’s shoulder and demonstrating how simple it was to use a drop-down menu to search for undesirable ethnic characteristics among the more than 340 million names on display. [...]

U.S. President Donald Trump is demanding that he be immediately awarded a Nobel Peace Prize as a reward for single-handedly sparking a potential Third World War with the nation of Iran.

New legislation frees up president to do pretty much anything, really